December.

On the day that we met you embraced me

You peered into my soul with just one glance

My heart rate increased with each passing moment

With absolute certainty I knew that this was our destiny

For a time our interactions were lovely

But suddenly they weren't what I'd imagined they'd be

Somewhere along the way we lost touch

Even so, I knew that we would see each other again

That one day a spark would reignite and set our spirits in tune like never before

From that day until forever our passion would never simmer

I put my hope in Him and He answered

Our reunion arrived even sooner than I'd expected

We locked eyes

And you breathed fresh life into me

The beginning of our whirlwind romance ensued 

You have been everything that He said you would be

You have taught me more about myself than I ever could have expected

You have affirmed the authority which Christ has given unto me

You have shown me how to be loved

And how to love in return

You dance with me

You kiss me

The way you speak to me is ever engaging

You re-introduced me to the me I was designed to be 

I know that through you, He has come to meet with me

To shine His light on me and make evident His glory

For that I am forever grateful, but in and of myself I am unworthy 

That He would bless me in this way is almost too good to be true

I have come alive because of you

It is the minutes I spend with you that I will always remember 

I will never cease loving you...

...

My December...

Birthday Bliss. pt. 3.

To sum it up...

My birthday was kissed by the Son. 

I went to my mother's grave site today - the first time since the end of May. I'd hoped to visit yesterday - my birthday, but a series of events did not allot time for it...

Usually I arrive, put down a few flowers, run my hands over the raised bronze imprints of her face, name and birth date, shed a couple tears, manage to sputter a few words about missing her but thank God that she is no longer in this tainted world, then leave. But not this time. I stepped out onto the gravel and took the few steps to where her body is laid. There was no dramatic scene; I didn't fall to my knees in anguish or bury my face in my hands...I simply leaned down to remove the faux flowers an old family friend had placed in the vase months before. I walked back to my car and began cutting the fresh bouquet I'd just purchased. Once I set them in the vase I removed the dirt and grass that had found its way atop the marker. I stepped back to take a look, then as weird as it may sound to some, I took my phone out of my pocket and snapped a picture. I'd realized that the flowers I brought were the first set of flowers me or any of my immediate family members had put into the vase. The bronze marker and vase had only just been completed in May; we received a phone call from the cemetery owner on the evening that it was placed into the ground and we drove straight there to take a look at it before dark. Someone else came a few days later to look and brought the fake flowers. I couldn't help but think of the irony that the first set of flowers I bought to honor the woman who gave me birth was on the day after my birthday.

I finally knelt down and stared at the bronzed imprints of her face. Tick. Tock. I ran my fingertips across the etchings of her features. I couldn't remove my eyes from hers looking back at me. Suddenly I felt them. Someone else's eyes seemingly piercing the back of my head. I didn't need to look up to know who it was that had met me there. He had come so quietly. My Father. The tears slowly began to trickle down my cheekbones like a small stream flowing through gently rolling hills. As the tears softly fell from my clouded eyes I thought of the high cheekbones I inherited from my mother, and I smiled. 

Immediately I felt as though I had been transported to the day before. My mind was thrust into thoughts of my birthday outing. He whispered the words, "Unconditional love," into my ear. Out poured prayers of thanksgiving as I felt His arms envelope me and draw me nearer as I buried my face into His chest. I visualized the faces of each person who sat around the table that night. Some were friends I've known all of my life, while others were friends I've made just in the past few months.  I thought about all of the memories I have with those individuals I've known for years - the good, the bad and downright horrible. In spite of some of those events along with the inevitability of life and the lack of opportunities to see each other as often as we'd like, they were still there. None of that mattered and they showed up to celebrate me - unconditional love. I then thought of the people I've known for nearly a year now, and the rest who I've been merely acquainted with for only a couple of months. The short time we've known each other, the fact that I had previously been unable to be in attendance at things they'd invited me to...none of that mattered and they came to celebrate me - unconditional love. My thoughts finally settled on her - the best friend I've found in a woman who I've only known for six months now. She is truly a friend sent from God, and is one who will be with me for a lifetime. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing it is that my Father used someone who I've known for such a short time to organize a birthday celebration that revealed more to me about myself than any other birthday I've had - unconditional love. As my mind fixated on that, I opened my eyes and looked down at my ring finger. She bought me a love knot ring that I haven't removed since I put it on that night. It is made up of two rings that are not soldered together, but joined by a simple knot at the top to form one ring - never to be separated again. She'd told me that it symbolized our friendship, but most importantly it symbolized my Father's love for me. You'd think that I was engaged as much as I look at it. I know that it was a wedding ring to me from my Father to remind me of his never-ending love for me - a ring not to be removed until the man He has sent to be my husband replaces it with an engagement ring...


He then brought me back to a few different occurrences when he told me that December was going to hold a major breakthrough in my understanding of who He is and what love looks like. Months ago during a period of fasting and prayer someone said to me, "Meditate on love. God's got something to show you." I'd pushed that occurrence into the confines of my mind quite some time ago, but the Holy Spirit brought it back to the forefront as I continued to kneel before my mother's grave. At that moment I gazed up at the gray clouds above; thunder began to sound and lightning flickered faintly in the late afternoon sky. I then turned my gaze to all of the graves around me, and I wondered why movies always made cemeteries seem either somber or scary; people's loved ones were buried there... I knew at that moment that this was the culmination of what He promised me about December, and that my not being able to come there on my birthday was by no means coincidental. He wanted me to come afterward to reflect. From last year's birthday to now He has done so much to show me my worth. I no longer have to live based on my past - hiding behind conditions I'd created in my mind in thinking that there were only certain ways people could possibly love me. I no longer have to hold my hands in front of me to keep people from hurting me, or to love them based solely on the ways I had previously interpreted love. 


We all know that the ultimate show of His unconditional love is the cross. But twenty-four years ago my Father displayed unconditional love by keeping me alive when the devil wanted me dead. My Father took what was meant for bad and made it good - oh so good. We are all called to love. Simply that. Our words, our actions, our deeds should be an example of His love for us all. I thought about my mother's freedom and how I want nothing more than to experience that - the hope of glory is what this life is all about. The timing of my being reminded of the meaning of my name was all a part of His plan to show me why I am here. My first name means 'pure' and 'light', while my middle name means 'victory of the people'. Out of my renewed understanding of who he designed me to be he has purified me from all of the past hurts I've endured, and has given me a testimony so that others may know His love in the same manner. He has purified me to bring victory to others. He has told me that I am to be a light in the darkness; my testimony is not my own. My mind was taken back to an instance when an intercessor once told me that my Father wanted me to know that He holds me in his hands, and when He holds out His hands for all who look upon me they see a crown. I stood to my feet and the rain and my tears simultaneously began to fall with more intensity. The only words my lips could form were these: 

"I pray that each moment I live to fulfill the calling for which You did not let me die that day." 

Birthday Bliss. pt. 2.

Birthdays...

Satan hates them. 

For the past few years I have had a variety of mishaps occur all around the same time leading up to my birthday. Last year my father, younger brother and I were set to arrive in Denmark two days before my birthday, which was my first since my mother's passing. Due to major delays through Amsterdam we went back home for two days, after which we had a flight to London instead. To make a long story short, when we returned to the airport after those two days our flight out of Atlanta was delayed due to a mechanical issue. What happened next? When we arrived in London we'd missed our flight to Denmark - on my birthday. I was grateful to have seen another year of life, that the issue was cleared, we were kept safe and that I even had the opportunity to travel. The hotel was very clean and cozy, the airline paid for everything throughout our stay and I had a room to myself. But by the time we'd arrived at the hotel we were all so drained that we just wanted to sleep. To say the least, I certainly would have liked to spend my first birthday without my mother some place other than alone in a dark hotel room in a cold, windy and rainy city - complete with cheesy British comedy resounding softly from the television in the background. 

Nonetheless, I was pondering over this just the other day in anticipation of what this year's birthday will be like. And I realized something in regard to my last post; the devil is angry that I lived on the day that I was born. He was trying to kill me and my mom. We sometimes wonder why God even allows certain things to happen - why would he allow my mother to get that far along in her pregnancy and get sick? Why would he allow that if he knew that I would be in the hospital for two months after my birth as my immune system finished developing? He knew I would be hooked up to tubes, would have to have my head shaved to attach all types of wiring to monitor my functioning, that my parents wouldn't be able to hold me and could only reach inside of an opening to touch me because I needed to stay incubated for warmth...but I know why.

For a story. For His glory. 

So it's no wonder that the enemy of all enemies tries to sabotage all of my birthdays. His plan failed and my Father gave me a testimony from the very start. The doctors said that babies could live at 7 months but that it was rare...guess who defied the odds? But I didn't do it myself. Only a Daddy like mine could do that. 

Birthday Bliss. pt. 1.

The definition of a gift is relative - subject to an individual's upbringing, life experiences, social class...


We've all heard the saying: 'Life is a gift.'
But do we truly grasp it as such? 


Ever since my mother's passing in May 2010, I have made the statement that her work was complete and she passed the torch to me - the torch I would hold high to affirm the goodness of my Father for the world to see. I researched the meaning of my name years ago, but I was re-introduced to it just a couple of months ago when I participated in a class offered at my church. Upon hearing the meaning of my name again, I recently felt prompted to research the meaning of my mother's name. 


Name: Elaine
Meaning(s): Torch, sun ray, bright light 
Spiritual connotation: Glorious

Name: Candice
Meaning(s): Fire-white, pure, light
Spiritual connotation: Shining


I do not believe in coincidences; nonetheless, my mind was blown. She literally passed the torch. The intercessor told me that the Lord needed me to know that Satan had literally been trying to steal my light since before I was born. I was birthed into the earth nearly two months earlier than planned. My mother visited her doctor for a routine check-up and they didn't allow her to leave. She had pre-eclampsia, more commonly known as toxemia at the time, and could have had a stroke at any moment. Satan, our worst enemy, wanted us dead. He knew the anointing that was on my life because of my mother's walk with Christ. But the good news is that we didn't die, and my parents received an early Christmas gift. 


A gift...
Never before had I truly thought of my life in that way. As I sit here I thank God that he did not allow me to die that day. I understand that his desire is for me to eternally live; thus, with each day that I wake I know that the task at hand is not yet complete, and I hold tightly to the opportunity to know more of Him every day. Each year that passes is proof of His kindness and His warm smile upon me. I was feeling slightly disheartened by the fact that the woman who gave me birth would not be spending my birthday or Christmas with me yet again; last year it was somewhat easy to cope with her absence on my birthday and Christmas because we weren't at home. But this year we aren't leaving the country. It often still feels like I should be able to pick up the phone and she'll answer saying she's just out running errands. In a moment of stillness just the other day my Father reminded me that although my mother, who was the beautifully rare spirit that he chose to share with me and birth me into the earth, is no longer walking this earth with me, the One who thought of me before the stars were even aligned still sits on His throne and is with me - and she is with Him - they LIVE. Bliss...

Fine wine.

When grapes are grown wine makers purposely stress them. They deprive them of water and give them an overabundance of sunlight. This process weeds out the weak ones - only the strongest survive. Those are the grapes that make the finest wine. 


James 1:17 says that every good and perfect gift comes from God. He doesn't desire bad things to  happen to us, but from experience I know that he allows them to draw me nearer to him, and to build my faith and my character. 

Sometimes the things that are the most rewarding require first experiencing the harshest of conditions. Surviving the turmoil is what makes us strong...the growth in my relationship with my Father, the hope of eternity, and blessings that arise on the other side of hardship make every stressful situation or season worthwhile. 


He's making me new - finer and stronger with each day. Finer than any fine wine could ever be. 


"No one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined." - Luke 5:37

Crickets.

I was out walking my dog a couple of nights ago. The moon was beautiful, the air was still, and the temperature was just right. As we made our way back home I decided to just stop and take in my surroundings. So right there in the middle of the street, I stopped.


As I stood I looked around at all of the Christmas lights nearby and those dancing in the night sky off in the distance. Then I closed my eyes. I could smell the warmth of burning wood coming from a neighbor's home, and the trees seemed to emanate a most intoxicating smell of winter. Then I heard them. 


Crickets. Lots of them.
Then I wondered aloud, "God, why do people complain about crickets' chirping?" 


I'm guilty of getting frustrated about a cricket or two outside of my window when I have an early morning awaiting me. But in that moment I was so thankful for the ability to hear the crickets. Not only because of the obvious - that my sense of hearing is on par with God's intended purpose when he designed ears...but because I could hear HIM. 


God created every living thing. Hearing the crickets is like hearing his thoughts. He knew just what he wanted them to look and sound like. Just like he knew what he wanted me to look and sound like before I was birthed into the earth. He made absolutely no mistakes. When I look in the mirror I know that he thought of every single detail that makes me who I am.


I think that's a little more than amazing.
Thank you, Father, that I can hear the crickets...

Pause. Play.

So here I am again to try my hand at blogging. I've lost count of how many times I've attempted to be consistent with this...anyway, this time I've decided to share a few nuggets from my daily thoughts and experiences. I'm a thinker and I often have these amazing revelations about life and the varying forms of love as it pertains to myself and my family. I keep a small notebook in which I jot down thoughts, quotes, scriptures, etc as my days pass. I also keep my journal on hand but in the past month or so I haven't had time to sit and pour out my innermost musings. So I had an alternative idea to keep track of them - to compose short vignettes of the various thoughts that arise in the canvas of my mind. Sometimes they're a little bit quirky, but they make a lot of sense in the grand scheme of things...hehe. We'll see how this pans out...